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Text by: Ersin Sinay

Issue name: The Explosive Issue

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As I’m waiting for my sausage and mash to finish its turn in the microwave, I deliciously come across iAugment – a free iPhone app increasing your bust to make your breasts look perkier (and sexier?) on your photos. Changing my ordinary Bs into gorgeous CCs on a single photo; I’m immediately more proud and a lot more confident. This boost of confidence is noted as one of the most common reasons why women get breast implants as well as to replace the breast lost to cancer, the belief that media idealises big breasts, to get the love and attention of a man (with perhaps a size issue of his own), or pure stupidity in the case of Sarah Burge who gave a £6,000 breast enlargement voucher to her daughter for her seventh birthday.

I’ve then realized how little I actually know about boob jobs except how they look and feel (blame it on the alcohol); so I reach out to Google as one does in a time of confusion. The earliest information I found out was in 1940s when Japanese prostitutes would have their breasts injected with substances such as paraffin, sponges and non-medical grade silicone to enlarge their breasts, believing that American servicemen favoured women with large breasts. In the 1960s the first silicone breast implants were developed by two plastic surgeons from Texas: Frank Gerow and Thomas Cronin, pioneering Timmie Jean Lindsey as the first woman to receive silicone breast implants. Lindsey trialled Gerow’s new procedure after removing the red roses tattooes she had on each of her breasts that left her with saggy tits. "It wasn't my breasts that bothered me, it was my ears," she says. "I told Dr Gerow I'd do the new breasts if he would fix my ears." 

According to the source there are now 3 types of breast implant devices: saline implants, silicone implants and alternative composition implants which fortunately are no longer manufactured. 

The history of side effects is as old as the first breast surgery. 45 years after her operation, Timmie Jean still experiences pains in her chest “that can last for weeks and feel like she's broken a rib.” Another site where different experiences are shared reveals two dramatic yet somehow hilarious cases; 

“My doctor failed to tell me that he removed my nipples during surgery. So here I was 4 weeks later, after seeing him 2 times a week, a scab came off one of my nipples after taking a bath and there was no nipple. I screamed! Where is it? Where is it?”

“About 4 hours after the surgery, my right breast began blowing up like a balloon.”

To be fair (to the fake boobs in this case) there are some interesting survival stories too; a woman’s boob job saved her life from a shot by a semi-automatic assault rifle. Lydia Carranza's silicone implants took the force of the blow and prevented bullet fragments from reaching her vital organs. Second story comes from Elena Marinova from Sofia who was involved in a full frontal crash with another car. A police expert explained that the 40DD silicone implants absorbed the impact of the crash working “just like airbags”. However he added: “They are not as safe as the real thing because they exploded, which airbags are not supposed to do." 

The final news adds to the use of boob jobs;
women suicide bombers now put explosives inside their breast implants – reported British spy satellites. British Intelligence service is now dedicated to identifying these women with ‘breast bombs’ and at present is recruiting a large number of secret agents to set up a “bomb disposal unit”. The recruitment advertisement said these agents must have good interpersonal skills, be able to successfully establish "close relationships" with female terrorists, and complete the task through this "close relationship". 

I finally hear the beep of the microwave suggesting my food is ready. Despite my B’s, I still get my sausages. That’s what matters in the end, right?